February 24, 2015
My female readers may not like the following piece at all; or, they may love it. I hope to do a companion piece at some stage which reviles the male for an unattractive, but somehow courtship-linked, practice…
I watched the Oscars last night, and am pleased to say that over-the-past-two-years I have gone 10-for-12 in the Big Six picks. Twice now I have failed to predict the director — though I thought for sure that Linklater was going to win — with his highly experimental (and rewarding) \”longitudinal study\” in film making. Alas, I was wrong — as I was wrong to think that perhaps a few presenters and recipients would eschew that god-awful, red lipstick!
What is it with red lipstick?! Does it truly make the female form more attractive? Does it let a man know that she is \”ready\”? Or, if she had to be ready — that she knows what to do? Does it make her more photogenic? Or, is it a reminder of what she carries down below? Does a blow job become more spectacular with red lipstick?
I remember the first formal date with the wife — at which time she asked me (before we even left her apartment) to tell me what my biggest \”turn offs\” were…asked through big red lips…
Trying to be diplomatic, I replied: \”Cigarettes and red lipstick.\” Stunned she replied, \”You\’re kidding?\” And not about the cigarettes. I told her I was not. I told her that red lips reminded me of whores and bearded Mexican flamenco dancers in Westerns that I don\’t care to remember. As a-matter-of-fact — I think I once heard a story that whores began sporting ye olde red lipstick to alert the johns as to what they were about. I guess other women decided they had to compete…so if \”A\” = \”B\”; and \”B\” = \”C\” — does \”A\” necessarily = \”C\”? My future wife dutifully wiped the shit off and has never worn the red around me again (though I know she sneaks it on at other times). And sadly, my own mother used to wear the red wound as well…what would Siggy say?
Why do they do it? Why do these leathered old, fish-faced women smear that garish shit on and turn their faces clown-like when they step out in public? Do they wish to remind us that they were once something; and, managed to snag themselves a man?
And it\’s not just the old ones — even the young ones love to paint it on — apparently preparing themselves for their forays into the world of sex. But all women; young, old and in between, must realize what a revolting image is created when that red lipstick bleeds onto their drunken white teeth! Seeing these drunk mouths with the red smeared onto their teeth causes this essayist to see such women are vampires — ready to suck my life\’s blood.
And the superstars? Why do they wish to be ghosts with red lips? Even African American women like the red stuff — but it gives a whole different look to them — they seemingly transform into walking totems…which is cool until the red shit bleeds onto their very white teeth.
So when I heard Lady Gaga was going to perform, I went, \”Oh Christ, now I\’m going to be treated to more-of-this-red-mouth-shit.\” Quite surprisingly, she had a staid, formal look in her tribute to Julie Andrews…so-much-so that I must issue A FORMAL PUBLIC APOLOGY to Lady Gaga — whom I\’ve suggested in earlier pages had no vocal talent whatsoever. I take it back! This girl can sing!!! And she wasn\’t wearing red lipstick in her performance — which made it doubly nice and quite possibly affected her performance for the better!
Alice Cooper sang \”Only Women Bleed\” — but I for one — can do without reminders of this fact…