January 23, 2013
I was going to write this piece on Pat Haden’s firing of USC basketball coach Kevin O’Neill (the day after I posted my ‘Open Letter to Pat’ in which I asked him to fire Lame Kiffin), and, entitle the attempt: “You’ve Got the Wrong Man”; but the cataclysmic collapse by our Lakers – spearheaded by none other than our superstar, Kobe Bryant, has superseded this particular desire (I warned everyone a-couple-of-years-ago that Kobe should NOT do that Turkish Airlines commercial!).
The reason Kobe has been shooting around 30% is multi-faceted – but the #1 reason is his relationship with wife, Vanessa, whom he has an on again, off again, marriage. The problem with the Lakers can be solved if Kobe regularly starts seeing a shrink – and I believe I have the best one for him (and it’s not me [it’s Dr. David Gorton – a brilliant Gestalt therapist]).
As a good looking, NBA superstar – Kobe has his pick of the ladies, and, has been caught more-than-once with his pickings. And even though Kobe never had a college education (more on this later) – he knows that a divorce could halve his wealth – not to mention the harm it does to children (I gather he has 2 lovely daughters). At least Kobe has enough education to avoid the mistakes of Tiger and Paul McCartney (so far).
But here is this 34-year-old multi-millionaire, with all that sex being thrown at him (hopefully this doesn’t explain his ‘dead legs’), stuck with the beauteous Vanessa since he was 21. If I were counseling him – I would say that sex with your spouse can get better-and-better over time, particularly with great practice…Hey! Just like a fall-away jumper or a drive to the rim! But Kobe’s high school education didn’t give him enough to see this: Kobe’s education was placed on the fast track (though I do believe that he is trying to slow down, what with his philanthropic endeavors) – where you get as much as you can while you can.
It is this same lack of a formal education (going from high school straight-to-the-Lakers) – that most-of-us get in college, or, from the hard knocks of life (Remember: no one gets out of Life a virgin: Life fucks us all) that has Kobe, with 17-years-as-a-Laker – unable to lead-his-team on-the-court.
After-all-this-time, Kobe still doesn’t know how to feed his team-mates the ball; or, to find the hot hand (Ron Artest, er, World Peace has said as much). Steve Nash knows how to find the hot hand – but most of the Lakers aren’t yet ready for his bullet passes. Kobe struggles to make good passes to team-mates who aren’t really accustomed to getting passes from Kobe. And when Kobe can’t find the basket (most likely because he is wondering which hottie he should screw after the game [or perhaps about the one he had before the game]); he keeps throwing up bricks instead of finding the hottie on the Lakers.
Kobe’s mind is so ablaze with thoughts of whether or not he should stay married or divorce; what his money will look like; and, what divorce might do to his little girls…that he can’t-catch- fire-on-the-court while complaining that the current pace of the game is too fast! Laker Nation needs a good shrink on top of Kobe – someone who can convince him that family and team come first – and to quit taking the exit to Babylon.